ART IS WHO I AM

THE OTHER LIFE SKILLS WITH AMANDA RANGANAWA

WHEN A FRIEND IS NOT A FRIEND TO YOU

 

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues. Today we are talking about friendship.

Friendship is like a relationship or marriage. There is always the one who loves the other more. However, it doesn’t mean that your friend should love you less. Matter of fact they should love you just as much as you love them.  I have been fortunate to be the one who loved more in most of the friendships l have encountered. I am proud to say that l have been left heartbroken as well. You might wonder why lm smiling like a cashmere cat over a friendship break up. Well the reason l smile is because l have loved and done my best. Whether my friend appreciated it or not, l will always know that l did my best.

There are certain things that occur in friendships that might shock you. Things that you might say l would never or would have never done this to her or him and yet they did it to you. Please best believe when l say some friends whom you have taken care of, helped out, loaned money to, trusted with your secrets and life can be the same ones who let you down when you least expect it. I would have loved to give you more  examples of how a friend can let you down but lm sure from your experience you can come up with them. You might brush them off as a passing phase but the truth is deep down you know your friend is a snake

Have you ever felt like your friend tolerates you? 99% of the time your feeling is right and you need to have a back-up plan on how to fill the void when they leave.

One of the things that you should consider as danger signals in your friendship are:

1.      When people ask you ‘’Are you and (for example) Trisha really friends or are you still friends?

When people start asking you if you are friends or still friends with a person whom you consider a friend please note that there is something wrong in your friendship. You might just be holding on to a sinking boat that could be drowning with you.  A person who knows you both can ask if your friendship is okay and you might brush it off. However, when people ask you and or when a person asks you more than once, then please know that it’s time to smell the coffee. People who are outside your friendship are better judges of how you two interact. They can tell when you are being manipulated, used, undermined, betrayed, taken advantage of and abandoned more than you can. You are sometimes always too busy making excuses and brushing off your friend’s behaviour to notice when he/she hurts you. Hence, when you are questioned by people who know you both more than twice if you are really friends, it’s time for you to investigate and make a decision.

2.      When your friend picks on everything that you do.

Like l said before a friendship is quite similar to a relationship or marriage. Hence, having a partner who scrutinizes everything you do and corrects everything you do is not a friend but an evil Step-Mum/Dad. If l say everything, l might be exaggerating, but they are certain small things you do from the way you dress, to the way you eat, to the way you talk, to the way you act, to the way you react to situations etc that continuously irritates them off or brings out a lecture from them. Sometimes you may even feel like you fight more than you agree. Your mind might even excuse the times that they punish you. You can tell that they are treating you badly because of something you did, not even to them, at times. Such a friend only tolerates you for the service you provide for them at that moment. You constantly find it hard to love them as much as you would want to.  A friend in need is a friend indeed. Ask yourself if your friend really needs you for the right reasons. For example if your friend needs you because you help them in areas that they can’t complete for themselves, then you have a fair friendship but if they suggest that you are there to cover their loneliness or boredom or some other selfish reason. Please run.

3.      If your friend calls you names

They are pet names that as friends we call each other. They are usually meant to create a stronger bond between the two of you. Sometimes they are your own secret codes. These names can last for years and can be your link to one another even after a long period of time. On the other hand, if your friend starts picking on names or words that are close to one of your weakness then he/she is not being cute they are being mean. For example names and words like Miss Fat, Miss Pimples, Miss Untidy, Miss Silly, Mr Arrogant, Mr lm- good-looking or saying you are talkative, rude, spoilt, undisciplined and so forth. That is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship. It may reveal a friend that it jealous, frustrated, and annoyed or grossed out by you. It is up to you to make them stop the name calling and also up to you to decide if you need a friend who has problems with who you are.

4.      When your friend scolds you or humiliates you publicly

As friends you are bound to have disagreements but how you solve your disagreements speaks volumes about your commitment to one another. If your friend sees it fine to insult you or rebuke you in front of other people then you are in trouble. I have heard a friend who has deliberately made bad remarks about me in front of people we had just met. Now you all know how first impressions matter. So you can imagine how l felt. Henceforth, a friend who loves you should have the patience to pull you aside and caution you instead of letting everyone know what they hate or dislike about you at every audience they get. Some friends will enthusiastically join in, in a conversation that is about dissing you. They may even be willing to add much information to the others about you. Your friend is someone who has your back. They defend the bullets you can’t see and blow out the fire coming your way. However, if you know that anytime they can just belittle you then you need to ask yourself a very important question.  If you do not do that to them, then why do they do that to you?

5.      When your friend lies

Friendship is about trust and not guess-where-my-trust-lies game. Telling a friend stuff that you do not tell anyone else or doing for them what you wouldn’t do for others means that you should trust them.  You must trust your friend to be honest with you about what goes on in your friendship. Assuming that they are trust worthy is never good enough and it’s a trap most of us fall into when we first meet a likeable person. If they are not honest, for example about what they took from you, when they are leaving you or what they are planning behind you (unless it’s a surprise party) then you don’t owe them your trust either. A friend who promises or accepts to do something for you but doesn’t do it is the worst. It means they are not dependable and are as good as written off. They are anchors who keep you in the same position making you feel like your life is moving forward when it’s not. Avoid those people. Trust is earned; do not dish it out easily. The results of giving it away are painful. So always, give a friendship considerable time to grow and develop the same amount of time you would give a serious boy-girl relationship.

6.      The friend who takes from you

Last but not least is the friend l call a grass hopper. They nibble little by little at your good heart until there is nothing to nibble and then they hop to the next friend. This friend is selfish, self-centred, and envious and you know it. That’s the sad part about it. You know it. You have seen how they take or ‘’borrow’’ your stuff but never return. If they do return the item it is no longer as valuable as it used to be to you. If you take or borrow their stuff they will call you out and give you a speech about you being out of line. They remind you that you didn’t bring them certain things when you went out to see your family and yet they never bring you back anything. If they do, it’s by accident. They bleed you dry and the moment you start resisting they start bonding with another person. This may make you feel jealous and make you want to keep them by pleasing them. I say, let them go; it’s always a blessing in disguise.

Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, aspiring actress and a lover of art.