The Maid of Honor’s DRESS

                             The Other Life Skills with Amanda Ranganawa

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues. Today l am talking about weddings and the maid of honor.

First of all l love weddings, gosh everything is always beautiful. My favorite eye candy is the bride whom l check out everything from head to toe. My second favorite is the maid of honor and she is the one l want to talk about. I think that one should always realize that when planning a wedding everything is well thought, even the maid of honors dress. 

So as a bride you need to know that if you are dressing your friend, sister or hired help her dress reflects on you as well. As a maid of honor please don’t just accept anything. Your presence to the wedding is as valuable as the cake and it’s your duty to remind your friend of the importance of your appearance.

I recently attended a wedding and l must say l was shocked and impressed. The dresses were so amazing that l thought the bride had decided to dress like the maid of honor. That was until the bride walked out and l saw a very gorgeous bridal dress that made me want to get married too. However, what caught my fancy and curious eye was mostly the maid of honor's dress.

Her dress may l say, looked by far different from the ‘’curtain hung on trees ‘’dresses that l have seen in most weddings.  I was so used to seeing maid of honors wearing either plain, dull colored, loose, or just plain ugly dresses. Whilst their best friend or sister (in some cases), the bride, looked so beautiful it pretty much made the maid of honor look like a slave beside her.

However, at this wedding the maid of honor was dressed almost just as beautiful as the bride. I say almost because l believe there is an unbroken, unwritten or presumably written rule that the bride must always be the center of attention. Nonetheless, the maid of honor's dress made me realize a number of things that a dress can say about the bride. Yes you, the bride. The dress that you buy or hire for your best friend, sister, or hired maid of honor, church mate or neighbor speaks a lot of words. 

There are so many things that a maid of honor's dress can say about the bride. You just pick where you fit in. 

On the Positive side, it may say:

1.That lm not intimidated by you my friend and l do want you to look as beautiful as me on my wedding day

2.   2.   You know how you have always begged me to buy you an evening dress; well here it is, finally.

3.    3.  I don’t want you standing beside me looking like Jenifer Lopez’s mother-in law in the movie Step Monster. I mean really what will people say?

4.   4.   Girl, l have money, so lm going to make sure you look your best because l want you to

5.   5.   I don’t have much money, but this is the best l could afford

6.    6.   It may say look at how beautiful you look in that dress, and you know that drunkard of a boyfriend .you have doesn’t deserve you

7.      7. The boutique l hired to rent us wedding dresses, simply has beautiful maid of honour dresses as well

8.     8.  This dress is my way of helping save your marriage, and lm sure when your husband sees you in 9. this he is going to want you more

9.     9.  Well of course you are not fat, look how beautiful that dress fits you

1  10.  I don’t want people thinking my wedding was cheap when they see you wearing a cheap dress in our wedding photos

     On the negative side the maid of Honor’s dress may mean this:

      1. If you ever screw up my marriage, that dress will be your karma

2.      2. You never thought l would get married did you? Well, now l want you close enough to see me wed whilst you wear that

3.     3. You couldn’t make up your damn mind about which dress you wanted so l picked that for you

4.     4.  My overzealous Mother-in law or Aunt went and bought the brides maid dresses without checking with me first.

5.    5.   I have been so angry at you for so long and this dress is pay back

6.      6. It may say, look l hired you so l don’t need to make you look fancy and all, just do the job l'm paying you for

S 

    These are just pointers to keep in mind. They may or may not apply to you as a bride however, its always good to remember that the dress you buy the woman beside you or the one she buys for herself signifies a message on your wedding day.

THE OTHER LIFE SKILLS WITH AMANDA RANGANAWA

WHEN A FRIEND IS NOT A FRIEND TO YOU

 

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues. Today we are talking about friendship.

Friendship is like a relationship or marriage. There is always the one who loves the other more. However, it doesn’t mean that your friend should love you less. Matter of fact they should love you just as much as you love them.  I have been fortunate to be the one who loved more in most of the friendships l have encountered. I am proud to say that l have been left heartbroken as well. You might wonder why lm smiling like a cashmere cat over a friendship break up. Well the reason l smile is because l have loved and done my best. Whether my friend appreciated it or not, l will always know that l did my best.

There are certain things that occur in friendships that might shock you. Things that you might say l would never or would have never done this to her or him and yet they did it to you. Please best believe when l say some friends whom you have taken care of, helped out, loaned money to, trusted with your secrets and life can be the same ones who let you down when you least expect it. I would have loved to give you more  examples of how a friend can let you down but lm sure from your experience you can come up with them. You might brush them off as a passing phase but the truth is deep down you know your friend is a snake

Have you ever felt like your friend tolerates you? 99% of the time your feeling is right and you need to have a back-up plan on how to fill the void when they leave.

One of the things that you should consider as danger signals in your friendship are:

1.      When people ask you ‘’Are you and (for example) Trisha really friends or are you still friends?

When people start asking you if you are friends or still friends with a person whom you consider a friend please note that there is something wrong in your friendship. You might just be holding on to a sinking boat that could be drowning with you.  A person who knows you both can ask if your friendship is okay and you might brush it off. However, when people ask you and or when a person asks you more than once, then please know that it’s time to smell the coffee. People who are outside your friendship are better judges of how you two interact. They can tell when you are being manipulated, used, undermined, betrayed, taken advantage of and abandoned more than you can. You are sometimes always too busy making excuses and brushing off your friend’s behaviour to notice when he/she hurts you. Hence, when you are questioned by people who know you both more than twice if you are really friends, it’s time for you to investigate and make a decision.

2.      When your friend picks on everything that you do.

Like l said before a friendship is quite similar to a relationship or marriage. Hence, having a partner who scrutinizes everything you do and corrects everything you do is not a friend but an evil Step-Mum/Dad. If l say everything, l might be exaggerating, but they are certain small things you do from the way you dress, to the way you eat, to the way you talk, to the way you act, to the way you react to situations etc that continuously irritates them off or brings out a lecture from them. Sometimes you may even feel like you fight more than you agree. Your mind might even excuse the times that they punish you. You can tell that they are treating you badly because of something you did, not even to them, at times. Such a friend only tolerates you for the service you provide for them at that moment. You constantly find it hard to love them as much as you would want to.  A friend in need is a friend indeed. Ask yourself if your friend really needs you for the right reasons. For example if your friend needs you because you help them in areas that they can’t complete for themselves, then you have a fair friendship but if they suggest that you are there to cover their loneliness or boredom or some other selfish reason. Please run.

3.      If your friend calls you names

They are pet names that as friends we call each other. They are usually meant to create a stronger bond between the two of you. Sometimes they are your own secret codes. These names can last for years and can be your link to one another even after a long period of time. On the other hand, if your friend starts picking on names or words that are close to one of your weakness then he/she is not being cute they are being mean. For example names and words like Miss Fat, Miss Pimples, Miss Untidy, Miss Silly, Mr Arrogant, Mr lm- good-looking or saying you are talkative, rude, spoilt, undisciplined and so forth. That is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship. It may reveal a friend that it jealous, frustrated, and annoyed or grossed out by you. It is up to you to make them stop the name calling and also up to you to decide if you need a friend who has problems with who you are.

4.      When your friend scolds you or humiliates you publicly

As friends you are bound to have disagreements but how you solve your disagreements speaks volumes about your commitment to one another. If your friend sees it fine to insult you or rebuke you in front of other people then you are in trouble. I have heard a friend who has deliberately made bad remarks about me in front of people we had just met. Now you all know how first impressions matter. So you can imagine how l felt. Henceforth, a friend who loves you should have the patience to pull you aside and caution you instead of letting everyone know what they hate or dislike about you at every audience they get. Some friends will enthusiastically join in, in a conversation that is about dissing you. They may even be willing to add much information to the others about you. Your friend is someone who has your back. They defend the bullets you can’t see and blow out the fire coming your way. However, if you know that anytime they can just belittle you then you need to ask yourself a very important question.  If you do not do that to them, then why do they do that to you?

5.      When your friend lies

Friendship is about trust and not guess-where-my-trust-lies game. Telling a friend stuff that you do not tell anyone else or doing for them what you wouldn’t do for others means that you should trust them.  You must trust your friend to be honest with you about what goes on in your friendship. Assuming that they are trust worthy is never good enough and it’s a trap most of us fall into when we first meet a likeable person. If they are not honest, for example about what they took from you, when they are leaving you or what they are planning behind you (unless it’s a surprise party) then you don’t owe them your trust either. A friend who promises or accepts to do something for you but doesn’t do it is the worst. It means they are not dependable and are as good as written off. They are anchors who keep you in the same position making you feel like your life is moving forward when it’s not. Avoid those people. Trust is earned; do not dish it out easily. The results of giving it away are painful. So always, give a friendship considerable time to grow and develop the same amount of time you would give a serious boy-girl relationship.

6.      The friend who takes from you

Last but not least is the friend l call a grass hopper. They nibble little by little at your good heart until there is nothing to nibble and then they hop to the next friend. This friend is selfish, self-centred, and envious and you know it. That’s the sad part about it. You know it. You have seen how they take or ‘’borrow’’ your stuff but never return. If they do return the item it is no longer as valuable as it used to be to you. If you take or borrow their stuff they will call you out and give you a speech about you being out of line. They remind you that you didn’t bring them certain things when you went out to see your family and yet they never bring you back anything. If they do, it’s by accident. They bleed you dry and the moment you start resisting they start bonding with another person. This may make you feel jealous and make you want to keep them by pleasing them. I say, let them go; it’s always a blessing in disguise.

Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, aspiring actress and a lover of art.

 THE OTHER LIFE SKILLS WITH AMANDA RANGANAWA

PUBLIC HUMILIATION

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues.

First of all, let me just say that l love the social media because of the information it reveals about people's lives. The kind of life they are willing to reveal by the way. So here l was browsing on my social network and l saw a friend's post. She was complaining that one of her work mates had called her a liar in front of 15 people. She actually had time to count, which was fast considering how scattered she says the people were in the room.  Then again, when you are humiliated you sort of have a mental calculation of how many people saw your humiliation. I do that as well whenever lm confronted. I always check who, and how many are looking. 

Anyways, she explained in her post that she had had a disagreement with the work mate and he had just started shouting without giving her time to explain herself. So she says she held it in, like a lady of course, and tried dismayingly to talk him down to no avail. So she ended up with the name Liar in between her birth name. A name she had failed to defend because she was verbally over powered.  Interestingly the person who had called her a liar later came back that same day and apologized to her in private. However, the damage to her character and dignity had already been done. Nonetheless, she accepted the apology.

 

Now one thing you always have to know is that at a workplace they are different types of people. They are silent observers, the talkative, attention seekers, the lazy to either work or talk, and the average worker that either talks or keeps quiet given their mood.  So when you talk or get close to someone please know who they are first.  Know their personality traits and judge if they are quite, secretive, friendly, talkative, rude, cheeky, defensive, quick tempered, religious etc? You have to find a little or more of that. This makes you avoid associating on a personal level with an eye, ear or mouth you cant trust.  So first of all know your colleagues and know who to pick a fight with and who to avoid or never pick a fight with.

Some people never want to be opposed because to them a different mindset is an enemy. Im not saying be afraid of them, NO!. I’m saying know which people are worth your breath and which ones are not even worth it. Now in cases of misunderstandings please avoid solving them in front of people.

When l was in Varsity l had a classmate who would have a problem with you and then argue with you on top of his voice, thereby making sure everyone had their attention on both of you. Once he had the attention of our classmates on him,  he would explain his case to them making it look like they were a part of your disagreement in the first place. So because he had vocal power he would elaborate self defensively his case against you, whilst you stood or sat there dumbfounded waiting for him to finish prosecuting you. The other classmates would then feel that they had an obligation to rebuke your idea or behavior towards him.

I found his behavior very bullying and annoying and so l avoided engaging him and would walk out of his 'St Victim' speech when he preached it. That stopped me from fighting a losing battle, from being accused of being wrong; from being judged by people l didn’t want having an opinion on my issue and from losing my dignity and appearing like a fool. Hence, whenever you see anyone calling you out publicly walk away or ignore them.

Another thing, refuse private apologies if the provocation was in public. Unless, the apology comes at a time where all the previous spectators have now left, then you can accept it. Otherwise, the same way thy cursed you is the same way thy should bless you. So always make sure you remind the person who verbally striped you in many eyes to un-strip you in front of those same eyes. However, if you do get a private apology, you can forgive. Nonetheless, let the person know that they cannot speak to you like that. Their actions may have made you feel intimidated, inferior, scared, disrespected, unwanted, unappreciated, unsure, uncomfortable etc; hence they have to know that they should never do that again. Also, they should know how it made you feel so that they understand just how bad their actions were. Some people are just rude and may even humiliate you again in public. However, when they do that again, rise up to the challenge and remind them of their continuous bad habit or behavior.

Most importantly, if you are a slow, quiet, peaceful or soft talker learn these few phrases ''l am not...l did not...l will not...l am...l will.....Do not....You will not..." etc.  Mind you,  these are not all the phrases hence,  you can create and learn more on your own. Most of the time the person who picks on you either knows they can win a verbal fight or argument with you. In some cases, very rare cases, it will be a coincidence. Either way, you always have to be ready to say:

1. l am not....for instance....l am not a liar

2. l will not be spoken to like that

3. Do not call me that

4. Why don’t we talk in private?

These are just examples; you can fill in your own expressions depending on your situation. The most important thing is that you don’t let someone leave without letting them know who you are, what you are and how you want to be treated. Even if you are slow, refuse to be called names, labelled or stereotyped IMMEDIATELY! especially in front of people because it quickly becomes your hashtag if it’s picked by those that don’t like you. It’s even worse if the spectators are first time acquaintances because now they have a first time impression of who you are and it’s a very bad one albeit how innocent you might think you are.

If the damage has been done, it is also a good idea to either go home, go into your office, to the kitchen, the toilet or to a corner to just cool off. Avoid lashing out vulgar words, screaming or worse, crying. Cool off, and then come back and correct that person, hopefully the first round audience will still be there to see the downfall of your humiliate.

Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, aspiring actress and a lover of art.