RELEASED
I was surprised. Shocked. Amused. And
then Confused.
Coming out of pain and ill-treatment l
didn’t understand why the magnetic forces were so strong. I had always wished
for a shoulder to lean on , a hand to wipe my tears and a heart to love me. So
young, naive and still fresh from emotional and psychological abuse from the
hands of my Grandmother. I found myself in the middle of the tar road with a
young man declaring his love for me.
He said he could even die for me. At
that moment l wanted so much to be cared for. He looked like my –could – be
knight in shining armor. He wooed so strongly and convincingly, l found myself giving
him a chance. A week passed and l wanted to run away from him. He cared too
much , had me followed too much , spoke and introduced me to people as his wife
too much , wanted to fondle me too much. I became afraid.
I felt caged. l wanted time to heal from
my past and clear my head and feelings. I tried to explain but his were deaf
ears. Alas, all he wanted was a serious
relationship. I started ducking and avoiding him. At those times l either
failed or succeeded in doing so. We broke up so many times, l stopped counting.
Years passed and l realised l could
never love him. He acted as if he loved me so strongly but each time he tried
to force himself into my heart it closed further and further inside. I just
couldn’t let him in. For three and a half years l tried. Tried so hard it
almost drove me into insanity. I wanted to understand why he loved me so much
or rather why he was so obsessed with me.
He knew everywhere l went on vacations. Knew
every number l had and did all he could to jeopardise any new relationship l
had. I grew a detestful dependency syndrome. Every time l felt empty and lonely,
l ran back to him and he would more than willingly, gladly seize the
opportunity to get me back. Each time that happened we would be happy for a day
or two after that l would realise l could never love him.
He noticed. Suddenly, he wanted to hurt me.
To punish me for not loving him. At first l couldn’t clearly recognise the tell-tell
signs and so l ignored them. However, after constant sarcastic calls and texts
l became unsettled. He pursued me harder, judged me more harshly, persisted on
sleeping with me and followed my tracks like a hungry wolf. He wanted either to
cause me physical harm or emotional pain. Between these two was his goal and he
had to achieve it. I finally saw the plain writing on the wall the day he tried
to drag me into his house. I was angry and felt violated but l thanked God l
had overpowered him outside.
He came back to apologise, and again
declare his undying love. He had created a gap between me and the only guy l
had ever loved for the first time. During the absence of the guy l loved, he
had came and played psychological games on me. Made me feel guilty for not
returning his undying love. I felt guilty and undeserving of my current
boyfriend. So l let him go. Weeks passed and my tormenter still reminded me of
how l would never belong to anyone else except him.
I wanted to fight him, like l had always
did for the past three and a half years but l was tired. I thank God l grew
tired for in a way it rescued me. Released me. On the day of my birthday he came
to see me, empty handed. He knew that him being the current ‘’boyfriend’’ l would be hurt because
l had just celebrated his birthday with him a month before. My birthday meant a
lot to me but his presence even though it didn’t mean much to me, l hoped he
had changed his possessive and negative attitude and we could move on. I
wished. He came and pretended as if it was just like any ordinary Friday. All
he talked about was how l should love him and do as he says concerning ‘’our
relationship ‘’. I was hurt and wanted to put him in his right place.
Common sense told me to surrender. I
texted him and told him he had won. Finally, he had managed to hurt my
feelings. I gladly informed him in good detail. He must have felt so much joy
for he never called back or texted again. l felt disappointed at myself for
having allowed him into my life in the first place. Nonetheless, l was released;
no more did l have to have him blackmail me into loving him. l was vindicated.
Until...
By Amanda Ranganawa
A 2nd Year Honours in Theatre Student at the
University of Zimbabwe
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