For the love of a new beginning

MY PAST IS OVER

As l look around and gather things for my journey
l realise that l havent reached my tally
As the trials and tribulations sweep me across the valley
l breathed heavily, in and out , as l reach for my Yahweh
My mind twisting and curling as l recall sadly
The events that captured , fascinated and ;
and left deep cuts into my heart

The definations and evaluations of sin that l calculated
Only managed to land me in theft, prostitution and murder
Drugs , alchahol , rapist and liar were my middle identities
All l knew back then was that l had to
jump fences, duck cops and shoot back to survive

ln my fast diversion and quick cornering of the lane, l had the church choir
singing salvation and how much he loved me
Or was it me they sang to or just for themselves?
l cursed the melodic voices for singing lies
and yet as we the sinners live they are supposed to be saved

l was running further and deeper with the
wind blowing my frail body like a plastic bag
My heart was giving in, my knees were crumpling
l needed rest and immediatey l found it
As l heard a loud, deadly and dreaded sound
And then there was silence and then darkness

They later told me that l woke up after a month
The Saints had found me and like the good Samaritan
had done all they could
with all their belief and might to save my life
They told me about the grace and kindness of Yahweh


And l cried, and cried, and cried
Because l had never known that he not only cared
but had feelings that swept across oceans
thoughts that rose to the heavens
dreams that conquered all nature
and love that exceeded humanity's
For me
There and there l looked at my Yahweh
And realised that l am saved
And my past is over

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO MY POETRY LOVERS

I LOVE HIM…

I prayed because l was in need

I prayed because l had him

I prayed so l could keep him,

Need him,

Have him love me.

He has the patience of a lover

The charm and gentleness of a Prince

He has the voice of a movie star,

The beauty of an angel

And the eyes of a man in love.

I love him because he loves me

He means so much to me

I pray for him more than l pray for myself

He is the greatest example of love

That l can ever give anyone

When he holds my hand,

Holds me tight,

Puts me on his chest,

I find it hard to breath.

I love him because he loved me first

I love him because he has the beautiful brown eyes of a man in love

I try, l have tried, tried so hard to forget him

But l have found it hard to forget him,

To leave him

Because l love him.

A SHORT STORY FOR MY READERS

RELEASED    

I was surprised. Shocked. Amused. And then Confused.

Coming out of pain and ill-treatment l didn’t understand why the magnetic forces were so strong. I had always wished for a shoulder to lean on , a hand to wipe my tears and a heart to love me. So young, naive and still fresh from emotional and psychological abuse from the hands of my Grandmother. I found myself in the middle of the tar road with a young man declaring his love for me.

He said he could even die for me. At that moment l wanted so much to be cared for. He looked like my –could – be knight in shining armor. He wooed so strongly and convincingly, l found  myself  giving him a chance. A week passed and l wanted to run away from him. He cared too much , had me followed too much , spoke and introduced me to people as his wife too much , wanted to fondle me too much. I became afraid.

I felt caged. l wanted time to heal from my past and clear my head and feelings. I tried to explain but his were deaf ears.  Alas, all he wanted was a serious relationship. I started ducking and avoiding him. At those times l either failed or succeeded in doing so. We broke up so many times, l stopped counting.

Years passed and l realised l could never love him. He acted as if he loved me so strongly but each time he tried to force himself into my heart it closed further and further inside. I just couldn’t let him in. For three and a half years l tried. Tried so hard it almost drove me into insanity. I wanted to understand why he loved me so much or rather why he was so obsessed with me.

He knew everywhere l went on vacations. Knew every number l had and did all he could to jeopardise any new relationship l had. I grew a detestful dependency syndrome. Every time l felt empty and lonely, l ran back to him and he would more than willingly, gladly seize the opportunity to get me back. Each time that happened we would be happy for a day or two after that l would realise l could never love him.

He noticed. Suddenly, he wanted to hurt me. To punish me for not loving him. At first l couldn’t clearly recognise the tell-tell signs and so l ignored them. However, after constant sarcastic calls and texts l became unsettled. He pursued me harder, judged me more harshly, persisted on sleeping with me and followed my tracks like a hungry wolf. He wanted either to cause me physical harm or emotional pain. Between these two was his goal and he had to achieve it. I finally saw the plain writing on the wall the day he tried to drag me into his house. I was angry and felt violated but l thanked God l had overpowered him outside.

He came back to apologise, and again declare his undying love. He had created a gap between me and the only guy l had ever loved for the first time. During the absence of the guy l loved, he had came and played psychological games on me. Made me feel guilty for not returning his undying love. I felt guilty and undeserving of my current boyfriend. So l let him go. Weeks passed and my tormenter still reminded me of how l would never belong to anyone else except him.

I wanted to fight him, like l had always did for the past three and a half years but l was tired. I thank God l grew tired for in a way it rescued me. Released me. On the day of my birthday he came to see me, empty handed. He knew that him being the   current ‘’boyfriend’’ l would be hurt because l had just celebrated his birthday with him a month before. My birthday meant a lot to me but his presence even though it didn’t mean much to me, l hoped he had changed his possessive and negative attitude and we could move on. I wished. He came and pretended as if it was just like any ordinary Friday. All he talked about was how l should love him and do as he says concerning ‘’our relationship ‘’. I was hurt and wanted to put him in his right place.

Common sense told me to surrender. I texted him and told him he had won. Finally, he had managed to hurt my feelings. I gladly informed him in good detail. He must have felt so much joy for he never called back or texted again. l felt disappointed at myself for having allowed him into my life in the first place. Nonetheless, l was released; no more did l have to have him blackmail me into loving him. l was vindicated. Until...

By Amanda Ranganawa

A   2^nd   Year Honours in Theatre Student at the University of Zimbabwe