THE OTHER LIFE SKILLS WITH AMANDA RANGANAWA

WHEN A FRIEND IS NOT A FRIEND TO YOU

 

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues. Today we are talking about friendship.

Friendship is like a relationship or marriage. There is always the one who loves the other more. However, it doesn’t mean that your friend should love you less. Matter of fact they should love you just as much as you love them.  I have been fortunate to be the one who loved more in most of the friendships l have encountered. I am proud to say that l have been left heartbroken as well. You might wonder why lm smiling like a cashmere cat over a friendship break up. Well the reason l smile is because l have loved and done my best. Whether my friend appreciated it or not, l will always know that l did my best.

There are certain things that occur in friendships that might shock you. Things that you might say l would never or would have never done this to her or him and yet they did it to you. Please best believe when l say some friends whom you have taken care of, helped out, loaned money to, trusted with your secrets and life can be the same ones who let you down when you least expect it. I would have loved to give you more  examples of how a friend can let you down but lm sure from your experience you can come up with them. You might brush them off as a passing phase but the truth is deep down you know your friend is a snake

Have you ever felt like your friend tolerates you? 99% of the time your feeling is right and you need to have a back-up plan on how to fill the void when they leave.

One of the things that you should consider as danger signals in your friendship are:

1.      When people ask you ‘’Are you and (for example) Trisha really friends or are you still friends?

When people start asking you if you are friends or still friends with a person whom you consider a friend please note that there is something wrong in your friendship. You might just be holding on to a sinking boat that could be drowning with you.  A person who knows you both can ask if your friendship is okay and you might brush it off. However, when people ask you and or when a person asks you more than once, then please know that it’s time to smell the coffee. People who are outside your friendship are better judges of how you two interact. They can tell when you are being manipulated, used, undermined, betrayed, taken advantage of and abandoned more than you can. You are sometimes always too busy making excuses and brushing off your friend’s behaviour to notice when he/she hurts you. Hence, when you are questioned by people who know you both more than twice if you are really friends, it’s time for you to investigate and make a decision.

2.      When your friend picks on everything that you do.

Like l said before a friendship is quite similar to a relationship or marriage. Hence, having a partner who scrutinizes everything you do and corrects everything you do is not a friend but an evil Step-Mum/Dad. If l say everything, l might be exaggerating, but they are certain small things you do from the way you dress, to the way you eat, to the way you talk, to the way you act, to the way you react to situations etc that continuously irritates them off or brings out a lecture from them. Sometimes you may even feel like you fight more than you agree. Your mind might even excuse the times that they punish you. You can tell that they are treating you badly because of something you did, not even to them, at times. Such a friend only tolerates you for the service you provide for them at that moment. You constantly find it hard to love them as much as you would want to.  A friend in need is a friend indeed. Ask yourself if your friend really needs you for the right reasons. For example if your friend needs you because you help them in areas that they can’t complete for themselves, then you have a fair friendship but if they suggest that you are there to cover their loneliness or boredom or some other selfish reason. Please run.

3.      If your friend calls you names

They are pet names that as friends we call each other. They are usually meant to create a stronger bond between the two of you. Sometimes they are your own secret codes. These names can last for years and can be your link to one another even after a long period of time. On the other hand, if your friend starts picking on names or words that are close to one of your weakness then he/she is not being cute they are being mean. For example names and words like Miss Fat, Miss Pimples, Miss Untidy, Miss Silly, Mr Arrogant, Mr lm- good-looking or saying you are talkative, rude, spoilt, undisciplined and so forth. That is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship. It may reveal a friend that it jealous, frustrated, and annoyed or grossed out by you. It is up to you to make them stop the name calling and also up to you to decide if you need a friend who has problems with who you are.

4.      When your friend scolds you or humiliates you publicly

As friends you are bound to have disagreements but how you solve your disagreements speaks volumes about your commitment to one another. If your friend sees it fine to insult you or rebuke you in front of other people then you are in trouble. I have heard a friend who has deliberately made bad remarks about me in front of people we had just met. Now you all know how first impressions matter. So you can imagine how l felt. Henceforth, a friend who loves you should have the patience to pull you aside and caution you instead of letting everyone know what they hate or dislike about you at every audience they get. Some friends will enthusiastically join in, in a conversation that is about dissing you. They may even be willing to add much information to the others about you. Your friend is someone who has your back. They defend the bullets you can’t see and blow out the fire coming your way. However, if you know that anytime they can just belittle you then you need to ask yourself a very important question.  If you do not do that to them, then why do they do that to you?

5.      When your friend lies

Friendship is about trust and not guess-where-my-trust-lies game. Telling a friend stuff that you do not tell anyone else or doing for them what you wouldn’t do for others means that you should trust them.  You must trust your friend to be honest with you about what goes on in your friendship. Assuming that they are trust worthy is never good enough and it’s a trap most of us fall into when we first meet a likeable person. If they are not honest, for example about what they took from you, when they are leaving you or what they are planning behind you (unless it’s a surprise party) then you don’t owe them your trust either. A friend who promises or accepts to do something for you but doesn’t do it is the worst. It means they are not dependable and are as good as written off. They are anchors who keep you in the same position making you feel like your life is moving forward when it’s not. Avoid those people. Trust is earned; do not dish it out easily. The results of giving it away are painful. So always, give a friendship considerable time to grow and develop the same amount of time you would give a serious boy-girl relationship.

6.      The friend who takes from you

Last but not least is the friend l call a grass hopper. They nibble little by little at your good heart until there is nothing to nibble and then they hop to the next friend. This friend is selfish, self-centred, and envious and you know it. That’s the sad part about it. You know it. You have seen how they take or ‘’borrow’’ your stuff but never return. If they do return the item it is no longer as valuable as it used to be to you. If you take or borrow their stuff they will call you out and give you a speech about you being out of line. They remind you that you didn’t bring them certain things when you went out to see your family and yet they never bring you back anything. If they do, it’s by accident. They bleed you dry and the moment you start resisting they start bonding with another person. This may make you feel jealous and make you want to keep them by pleasing them. I say, let them go; it’s always a blessing in disguise.

Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, aspiring actress and a lover of art.

 THE OTHER LIFE SKILLS WITH AMANDA RANGANAWA

PUBLIC HUMILIATION

The OTHER LIFE SKILLS deals with life issues that may or may not be basic knowledge to everyone. These life skills may range from social, economical to political issues.

First of all, let me just say that l love the social media because of the information it reveals about people's lives. The kind of life they are willing to reveal by the way. So here l was browsing on my social network and l saw a friend's post. She was complaining that one of her work mates had called her a liar in front of 15 people. She actually had time to count, which was fast considering how scattered she says the people were in the room.  Then again, when you are humiliated you sort of have a mental calculation of how many people saw your humiliation. I do that as well whenever lm confronted. I always check who, and how many are looking. 

Anyways, she explained in her post that she had had a disagreement with the work mate and he had just started shouting without giving her time to explain herself. So she says she held it in, like a lady of course, and tried dismayingly to talk him down to no avail. So she ended up with the name Liar in between her birth name. A name she had failed to defend because she was verbally over powered.  Interestingly the person who had called her a liar later came back that same day and apologized to her in private. However, the damage to her character and dignity had already been done. Nonetheless, she accepted the apology.

 

Now one thing you always have to know is that at a workplace they are different types of people. They are silent observers, the talkative, attention seekers, the lazy to either work or talk, and the average worker that either talks or keeps quiet given their mood.  So when you talk or get close to someone please know who they are first.  Know their personality traits and judge if they are quite, secretive, friendly, talkative, rude, cheeky, defensive, quick tempered, religious etc? You have to find a little or more of that. This makes you avoid associating on a personal level with an eye, ear or mouth you cant trust.  So first of all know your colleagues and know who to pick a fight with and who to avoid or never pick a fight with.

Some people never want to be opposed because to them a different mindset is an enemy. Im not saying be afraid of them, NO!. I’m saying know which people are worth your breath and which ones are not even worth it. Now in cases of misunderstandings please avoid solving them in front of people.

When l was in Varsity l had a classmate who would have a problem with you and then argue with you on top of his voice, thereby making sure everyone had their attention on both of you. Once he had the attention of our classmates on him,  he would explain his case to them making it look like they were a part of your disagreement in the first place. So because he had vocal power he would elaborate self defensively his case against you, whilst you stood or sat there dumbfounded waiting for him to finish prosecuting you. The other classmates would then feel that they had an obligation to rebuke your idea or behavior towards him.

I found his behavior very bullying and annoying and so l avoided engaging him and would walk out of his 'St Victim' speech when he preached it. That stopped me from fighting a losing battle, from being accused of being wrong; from being judged by people l didn’t want having an opinion on my issue and from losing my dignity and appearing like a fool. Hence, whenever you see anyone calling you out publicly walk away or ignore them.

Another thing, refuse private apologies if the provocation was in public. Unless, the apology comes at a time where all the previous spectators have now left, then you can accept it. Otherwise, the same way thy cursed you is the same way thy should bless you. So always make sure you remind the person who verbally striped you in many eyes to un-strip you in front of those same eyes. However, if you do get a private apology, you can forgive. Nonetheless, let the person know that they cannot speak to you like that. Their actions may have made you feel intimidated, inferior, scared, disrespected, unwanted, unappreciated, unsure, uncomfortable etc; hence they have to know that they should never do that again. Also, they should know how it made you feel so that they understand just how bad their actions were. Some people are just rude and may even humiliate you again in public. However, when they do that again, rise up to the challenge and remind them of their continuous bad habit or behavior.

Most importantly, if you are a slow, quiet, peaceful or soft talker learn these few phrases ''l am not...l did not...l will not...l am...l will.....Do not....You will not..." etc.  Mind you,  these are not all the phrases hence,  you can create and learn more on your own. Most of the time the person who picks on you either knows they can win a verbal fight or argument with you. In some cases, very rare cases, it will be a coincidence. Either way, you always have to be ready to say:

1. l am not....for instance....l am not a liar

2. l will not be spoken to like that

3. Do not call me that

4. Why don’t we talk in private?

These are just examples; you can fill in your own expressions depending on your situation. The most important thing is that you don’t let someone leave without letting them know who you are, what you are and how you want to be treated. Even if you are slow, refuse to be called names, labelled or stereotyped IMMEDIATELY! especially in front of people because it quickly becomes your hashtag if it’s picked by those that don’t like you. It’s even worse if the spectators are first time acquaintances because now they have a first time impression of who you are and it’s a very bad one albeit how innocent you might think you are.

If the damage has been done, it is also a good idea to either go home, go into your office, to the kitchen, the toilet or to a corner to just cool off. Avoid lashing out vulgar words, screaming or worse, crying. Cool off, and then come back and correct that person, hopefully the first round audience will still be there to see the downfall of your humiliate.

Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, aspiring actress and a lover of art.

 

Dineo Moseki leaves IdolsSA -Music #Entertainment #Competition #LiveShow #Sociallife

MISS DYNAMITE LEAVES IDOLS SA by Amanda Ranganawa

                          DINEO MOSEKI’s PERFOMANCE IN THE TOP SIX

                                    (Picture taken by Amanda Ranganawa)

When l walked in to interview Miss Dineo Moseki she looked at me, stood and said l was wondering where you were. I thought you weren’t coming. l felt honoured by her and l also felt her humility to the core, because l felt that she remembered and valued each media she came across. Interviewing Dineo Moseki, l could tell that she was holding back tears. I could tell that she hadn’t been ready to leave the competition. She might have mentally prepared that at some point she could go home, but her fighting spirit had given her hope that she would go further than the top 6. 

The once shy girl was nothing close to being shy; Dineo was funny throughout the interview. Her actions were big and dramatic as she used every body part in her body to express her feelings from her eyes, to her face, to her hands, to her chest and to her feet. Her whole body was in sync with everything she said. The singer was going to entertain us with two songs one from Tracy Chapman ‘’Baby can l hold you’’ and Etta James ‘’All l could do was cry’’.

Dineo feels that SA ldols has taught her the ways of the industry and made her meet with so many people.

‘’It's such a great platform, I mean I went to places, I went to functions and I got to learn how to meet  and mingle….I got to a point where l was like you need to go to people and say hi, you know and it has taught me humbleness can get you to places, you just need to be yourself. So being myself has helped me not to have a second job of being somebody else, because people love you the way you are’’. Dineo explains that  Idols SA has been a great place for her to be known by people, to also show people her talent and it has been amazing for her.

 She has strong conviction that she is a brand that stands for other struggling artists in and outside her community. She feels that she is the hope that they need and their support is what has brought her this far. She also recalled the show stopper performance as her worst performance. Apparently she has many fears such as heights, darkness, and moving things. Hence, the entire performance for her was filled with conquering one fear after another. ‘’…I have so many fears. Fears of that…fears of that, and I just had to pull through for my supporters….It has taught me that life is not milk and honey, not everything can be sugar coated’’ she says.  However, her fears didn’t show during the performance and it could be because they told her ‘’It’s going to be fine’’ as she puts it. She also says that she doesn’t see her fears as a weakness because ‘’ l face them…’’she says and gives an example of her riding on a roller coaster. ‘’ I believe l have these fears in order for me to face them so that l can be a better person. If l didn’t have them then l would be in one place all the time. So it’s also an adventure to be me’

                                          DINEO’s SHOW STOPPER PERFORMANCE

                                             ( Picture taken by Amanda Ranganawa)

Moseki also explains that when you want to achieve something you have to give yourself enough room to expect that things may not go your way. She says that ‘’ Not everything is going to go our way…. You need to believe in yourself, love yourself but don’t overdo it to the point that your hurt yourself’’ She also explains that the aim she had when she came to Idols was to accept what they would give her. She did not want to give herself the mind-set that she is the winner or the best.’’ I wanted to win, yes; but what l also wanted was to have that platform to do what l love and l was given that platform and l cannot go on about and be selfish enough to say and it wasn’t enough it was more than enough for me and whoever wins, deserves it. It’s God’s plans. God has already chosen a winner because he knows. He has plans so we must just accept and follow in Gods plans’’

The Miss Dynamite as she is popularly known says that she came to Idols in order to have that platform to showcase her music talent. She smiles and giggles when l ask her about her community and says, ‘’ l love this question’’. She is emotional as she slowly emphasizes with so much love how much she loves where she comes from and she is grateful of where she comes from.

‘’I love my community, I love where l come from and the love and support they have been giving me it’s enormous, it’s out of this world…I am proud to say that l come from where l come from. I’m proud to say that l love where l come from and l wouldn’t change where I come from…I mean South Africa as a whole has been amazing. People have been supportive and l have been getting supporters from Capetown woooouuuwww….yes! Like it’s...it’s amazing’’

The difference between a musician who grooms themselves and a person who has managed to be on Idols according to Dineo is in the mind-set of the person. You can groom yourself and make it. It’s how they make it and however they make it is their platform and the opportunity that they make with it.  She says she will be international, big and everyone is going to talk about her and she is going to be an entrepreneur and give back to the people who have supported her in any way she can.

Dineo says she will miss the two impersonators Karabo and Mmatema, Loyiso who thinks she is his little sister because of her height, the one she always sits next to and make facial expressions Rhema and the funny Siphelele who is always joking about her. She makes a face as she explains how weird it is for Loyiso to think that she can be his little sister considering that she is older than him. ‘’It’s not about where you make it, it’s about how you make that making, making make….you make the best out of an opportunity you are given’’ she says. Dineo feels that she has given hope to other artists and she needs to go back and give back to her community.

                                      Dineo Moseki and Siphele Ncgobo were in the bottom two

                                                (Picture taken by Amanda Ranganawa)

I asked a few Idols avid fans what they thought of Dineo going home and they were mixed responses about it. An Idols fan Trevor mentioned with disapproval that '' Dineo should not have left but Siphelele should have. Siphelele comes from Kwa-Zulu Natal which is like the second biggest province hence due to his background and Zulu ethnicity he has managed to gain much support unlike Dineo who comes from a small town'' he says.

Another fan, Tina says that Siphelele survived whilst Dineo went home because he sings South African songs. She pointed out that South Africans love it when someone sings their songs and because ‘’Siphelele is the well-known traditional guy when it comes to picking songs. Those songs make him unique in the competition and unfortunately Dineo couldn’t beat that’’. Maybe Tina’s point is the reason why contestants such as Loyiso and Karabo also chose to sing South African songs that Sunday.

Other fans thought that Dineo’s performances also contributed to her not making in the top five. Mosedi says that, ‘’Her last two performances were not good and her song choices were not good’’.  

Mapule agrees with her and says ‘’I think Dineo was great throughout the competition, except for her last performances. Her inconsistencies came at the wrong time. Siphelele listens. He took Somizi’s advice and he knows the songs that work well for his voice’’.

However, all reasons put on the table the truth is Miss Dineo Moseki will surely be missed in the competition. The love and talent she still has to give is fortunately not lost. Hence, keep those hearts and ears open for her when she comes back with her beautiful voice to grace our musical spirits.

Posted on 2/11/2015

*Amanda Ranganawa is a writer, poet, actress and entertainment lover. Follow her on twitter @Mandy SR90. 

                                                  Deceiving Heels and Wedges
                                        By Amanda Ranganawa (c) 2014-10-28
                   
                   
I love shoes; and l believe that many of you do too. They are a girl’s best friend, well to some that is. So while men check out cars, women check out shoes. Not just any shoes; the hot shoes. You know the ones that make your best friend and sister jealous. Yeap, those ones. During my days of shopping for shoes l have noticed that there are some type of shoes that are so gorgeous on the outside but so ugly on the inside. You know the type that lm talking about now. Some of you have seen them, loved them, and bought them.

They look exquisite on that window sill, and when you get in they just whisper your name. You reach for them like ice cream on a hot day and you put them on and they just fit perfectly like a Cindrella slipper. You walk around, whilst the shop tenders look at you and smile and sweet charm you into buying them. You look at them again, do a model turn like Tyra Banks, and perfect. They feel comfortable and you buy them.

You get home and you put them in that special place. You know the one, where old shoes nologer stay? You try them on again and again in the house. Then you reserve them for that special outside occasion or event. Now the day comes for them to say hello to all the other not- so- nice shoes in the feet world. This is because you know yours are new and nicer. You walk  gracefully  to the bus stop, with the guys whistling and the women commenting. Heels and wedges just know how to make one’s bum shake. You smile delightfully and whisper thank yous.

The brutal truth knocks you off your feet, when the wedge starts being too tight and your toes are now peeping out like vampire teeth. Your feet after long walks feel like they will break due to pain. The heel tip is falling off and the knees feel strained. Suddenly you start walking like a nervous thief. The only difference being that your knees will be wobbling like jelly.  All of a sudden the gorgeous, comfortable, and sexy heels become the feet abattoir.
*Read more of my works on my blog Art is who l am*

                                                 
I love shoes; and l believe that many of you do too. They are a girl’s best friend, well to some that is. So while men check out cars, women check out shoes. Not just any shoes; the hot shoes. You know the ones that make your best friend and sister jealous. Yeap, those ones. During my days of shopping for shoes l have noticed that there are some type of shoes that are so gorgeous on the outside but so ugly on the inside. You know the type that lm talking about now. Some of you have seen them, loved them, and bought them. They look exquisite on that window sill, and when you get in they just whisper your name.

You reach for them like ice cream on a hot day and you put them on and they just fit perfectly like a Cindrella slipper. You walk around, whilst the shop tenders look at you and smile and sweet charm you into buying them. You look at them again, do a model turn like Tyra Banks, and perfect. They feel comfortable and you buy them.You get home and you put them in that special place. You know the one, where old shoes no-longer stay? You try them on again and again in the house. Then you reserve them for that special outside occasion or event.

Now the day comes for them to say hello to all the other not- so- nice shoes in the feet world. This is because you know yours are new and nicer. You walk  gracefully  to the bus stop, with the guys whistling and the women commenting. Heels and wedges just know how to make one’s bum shake. You smile delightfully and whisper thank yous.

The brutal truth knocks you off your feet, when the wedge starts being too tight and your toes are now peeping out like vampire teeth. Your feet after long walks feel like they will break due to pain. The heel tip is falling off and the knees feel strained. Suddenly you start walking like a nervous thief.
The only difference being that your knees will be wobbling like jelly.  All of a sudden the gorgeous, comfortable, and sexy heels become the feet abattoir.

That is when you realize that you have lost three times, which is your money, your time and shoe display. Not you or your friends get to enjoy them. Hence, l say whenever you carrying any heels please have flat shoes in your handbag too, just in case, More so, when buying these heels and wedges please avoid buying them because they looked good on somebody because another woman's shoe is not yours. Avoid buying them because they are pretty, because pretty hurts too. Ask Beyonce. So find your own style, size and comfort shoe.

*Read more of my works on my facebook page Art is who l am*

For the love of poetry, for the love of you- A letter to my Father

A LETTER TO MY FATHER

I am delighted my dear Father,

Delighted to write you this letter

Though deep in my heart l know,

Know it may never reach you

So Father l have my fingers crossed

Praying and hoping the post-man will do me a favour

And deliver this letter to you

Father l wrote to say, to ask and to seek

Father you left my side before l had hatched,

You left before l could judge the world

My mind still too young to understand why two plus two makes four

Father l ask,

‘’Are you satisfied that you left a clueless, innocent child behind you’’

Reply in your next letter

This is a letter to you Father

To remind you that the chick has grown into a hen

I have grown into a young maiden

Full of questions and wonder

My heart beats fast in search of wisdom

And then l smile and think how it would have been nice

Nice to write to you and ask

‘’ Father am l now old enough to own a male “

How anxiously l would have waited for your reply

And what you would have wrote would have been my command

Father they say a lot about me

The male say lm proud ,

The females naive.

But l am not Father

All l know it that lam lost ,

Lost in a world l do not own

I seek for answers my dear Father

You are a man and have gone through a lot,

Now l ask

“How does one know they are in love and he in turn feels for her?”

I plead, try and reply.

It would have been lovely

To speak to you face to face

Shy l would have been but confidence l would have regained

For you are my Father

It’s a shame you and l can never meet

For we now belong in different worlds

Though apart we might be in flesh

In hearts and memories we will remain in each other

By Amanda Ranganawa

For the love of poetry, for the love of you- Young Women

                                          Young Women
                              By Amanda Ranganawa (2014)
                           
                            Young women value yourself
                                         Credit yourself
                      And stop debiting and owing yourself
                      You are more than the hips and thighs
                                      Peaches and cream
                         Its not about how low you can go
                                  Or dropping it like its hot
                           
                          You are the dream that is realised
                             The talent that is motivated
                          The strength that carries the brain
                            The heart that carries passion
                         The shoulders that lift the nation

Who are we?- For the love of art, for the love of you.

Who are we?

Our deepest depression is the seeking

Of our own vanity

Our foolish pride of what we appear like,

Deceiving ourselves of the disgusting image of others

Vomiting at the slight thought of other’s joy

But who are we to despise?

Who are we to pour water,

Upon the great fires of the ambitious?

Who are we to look once, twice, thrice

And wrinkle our noses?

                                                                                Are we perfect?

If we are then let the judge of all judges be the judge of that

Out aloud we mock, criticize and make fun of others;

Our jealousy and frustration as fierce as a famished wolf

Shall one not succeed?

All because our jealous tails tag one?

Our words and arrogance hurt and break thy confidence of others

Yet praise we seek from others,

Hatred and vengeance are created by our ways

Who are we;

To bring falls of tears on other’s eyes?

Written by Amanda Ranganawa